Draco Demented
by Sirius Lover for Life
Summary: Dudley and Draco...two unlikely heroes in a story filled with nonsense, and then some! Trapped in each other's bodies...it may have been done before, but never before like this. [updates every so often.]
1. Dudley and the Fire Extinguisher

**Draco Demented**

_(Demented Chapter Number One)_

One day, Dudley Dursley was pacing in his room, deciding in which clever way he could successfully sneak some food.

"Hmmm." he thought with boredom. "What to eat, what to eat." After a moment's thought, he said, "Who gives a shit, really!" He said this with such anger that it caused him to fall, and by doing so, his dear mummy came barging in the room.

"WHAT IS IT, DIDDYKINS? MUMMY'S HERE!"

"MUM! MUM! PUT _DOWN_ THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"

"I don't think I should. Last time I heard a noise like that, we had to call in the fire brigade, remember!"

"But Mummy, I'm more careful with the toilet seat..."

"Oh. Well...good." With that, she left.

He was so overwhelmed by quick turn of emotion that he crashed onto one of his feather beds, knocking all the stuffing out.

"Poor chickens! I'm sorry I killed you! I'm sorry I'm so...so...so..._bipolar!"_

Then, he thought some more and decided, "It's PMS."

"MUM! PUT **_DOWN_** THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"


	2. Draco the Pirate

_(Demented Chapter Number Two)_

Draco Malfoy woke up in his Hogwarts bed. "Thank God it's Saturday..." he walked down the hallway. Ginny Weasley came walking by.

"Hello, _Ginny," _said he, in what he thought to be a dark, sexy tone. She just smiled- and then landed one across his head. _SMACK! _

"Don't think I deserved that..." he muttered, hand over newly-formed lump on his head. Just then, came walking down the hall-

_"Lavender!" _...followed, as well, by a slap.

"That one I may have deserved. Anyway...I know how that _pirate_ feels in that Muggle movie.." Just then, Pansy walked by and said,

"You watch Muggle films!" she slapped him for a third time.

"Now _that_ one I deserved."


	3. Murder at Five O' Clock

_(Demented Chapter Number Three)_

In all due respect to Kurt Cobain , this was written, but for the purpose of comedy. In reality, may he rest in peace.

Dudley was crashed out on his mattress of chicken murder, Nirvana blaring from the speakers next to him. A paranoid Petunia, in a fluster, came upstairs, banging on his door.

"Dud! Dudley! Are you alright! Don't _make _me come in there!" All she got in reply were snores, so she resulted to the pickaxe she kept in her belt- just in case. She brutally hacked down the door, and in a matter of minutes was safely inside, violently shaking her son.

"DUDLEY! DUDLEY! GET UP, GET UP,_ GET UP_, BEFORE I CALL IN THE DOCTOR!" she shook him, and shook him, and shook him, but got no response; no sign of movement at all. She then, for the first time, took notice of the music playing, and picked up the CD case.

"Nirvana! My son is _emotionally unstable? _Nooooo!" In fury, she shouted up at the ceiling, "I blame **YOU**, Kurt Cobain!"

Not thirty seconds passed before the ghost of Dave Grohl appeared before her, and shouted with rage, "Now you'll get **yours**, _hater._..After all, it's times like these..."

Petunia was so scared that it took her a moment to realize-

"_You're_ not Kurt!" Came the ghost impatiently,

"I _know_ that. Kurt is currently roaming the halls of Courtney Love's mansion, trying to scare the begeses out of her...so I came instead. But _anyway... _AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Nooooooooo!" screeched Petunia, before falling onto another mattress, thereby adding more manslaughter to her son's room.

Dave Grohl looked at the clock that had just turned to "five."

"Five o' clock...dinner...I'm out." With that, he _popped! _out of the room. Dudley woke with a start.

"Oh **_boy_, **five o' clock..."


	4. Draco's Doomsday

_(Demented Chapter Number Four)_

Draco was in bed. Since the author of this story didn't feel like building up any detailed suspense...he heard a loud noise behind him. It sounded like the heavy breathing of -

"I smell _Moodblood_!"

"Damn you, Draco, do you _have _to always ruin the moment?"

"Moment? _Moment_? There has never _been_ a 'moment', _Granger_, nor will there ever _be_ one. Now get out of my room before I have to kill you."

And then, in an attempt to disprove all theories of Draco/Mudblood relations, Hermione pulled out her wand and killed Draco.


	5. Death By Pillows

_(Demented Chapter Number Five)_

After Dudley's poorly-made dinner of stringy scalding mozzarella sticks and stale popcorn, he let out a loud burp and, upon entering his own room, realised,

"Mum's dead."

Of course, this is Dudley we're talking about; so this news made him glad, for now he could eat whatever he desired. So, he took advantage of this.

"Yum..." he picked up a pillow and started gnawing at it furiously. But, alas! He stuffed too much in his mouth, and soon fell over.

Yes, my friends, Dudley was dead.


	6. Draco, Alive and Oversized

_(Demented Chapter Number Six)_

Draco was pissed off.

"How could this happen? I'm too cool to _die_! I can't believe she killed me; _me, _the sexiest Slytherin in the history of Hogwarts!"

Still fuming, he heard the manly far-off shout of, "Boy! Coffee!" Then it was closer, and soon there was a loud knock and, "Breakfast, son!"

After the man went away, Draco tried opening his eye. He instantly saw a glowing pony and shut it. Not a minute later, a women with a high-pitched shrilly voice began shaking him.

"YAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" he yelled. He felt flubbery sides flop around him, and when we opened his eyes to see the lady, he knew-

"You're a Muggle." The lady's eyes widened and she started slapping his hand.

"Nonononono, you do _not _say wizard words!" Then, she turned white and slapped herself across the head instead.

"_Bad _Petunia, _Bad_ Petunia, **bad**!"

"Are you an overgrown house-elf or what, you _freak_?" spoke Draco at last. But his voice came out much differently; it was squeaky, and afterwards he was out of breath. Petunia just said,

"You're having a bad dream, Dudley...bad dream...I'LL GO CALL YOUR THERAPHIST!" She dashed out of the room.

Now Draco was in utter confusion, and, with only the feeble glow of the unicorn nightlight, he saw in the mirror-

He was not himself.


	7. Visitation Rights

_(Demented Chapter Number Seven)_

Quick A/N: I'm "scared" of what will go into **Sirius-ly! **if I leave the sentence as is, so...

Ellen was sitting around her Hogwarts dorm picking her nose. Well...maybe. All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door!

"Damnit, it's too early for visitors!" In a huff, she got up and went to the door, just to see who it was for kicks n' giggles. It was...

"Draco!" she opened the door. _"You're_ not supposed to be in here," she said with a smirk. But this Draco was not himself...

"AAAAAHHHH! It's a bloody witch!" Dudley, (yes, Dudley), slammed the door and ran down the hall, until he crashed into a wall and was knocked out cold. In a frenzy, (for she did not want to be responsible for a passed-out boy in her dorm!) Ellen ran over to him and started slapping his face.

"Wake up!" SLAP! "Get up!" SLAP! "NOW, you _moron!" _At last, the boy awoke.

"And who the bloody hell're _you?_" he demanded. She looked shocked and hurt, but replied with anger, "It's _me_, you _asshat!" _Until he showed her some recognition, she wasn't going to let this conversation get very far. But that recognition wasn't coming, so she took the oppurtunity and pulled him into a kiss...

..."Do you remember me now, _bastard?_"


	8. Vernon's 'Truedat' Identity

_(Demented Chapter Number Eight)_

As Draco was walking down the stairs, he was mentally, emotionally, and physically shaken. How could this have happened? It _had_ to be a nightmare. No other explanation could be possible except for...

"Dark magic. _Dark Bloody **Magic**_." as he said this with spite, pausing in mid-step, Petunia came charging up the stairs like an American football player gone mad.

"DUDDY DROODY DUMS! DEAR, DEAR, DEAR, DEAR!" Hugging and sobbing, she looked offended that "Dudley" was not returning the affection. They were making so much noise on the stairs that a thin, pale boy with matted hair came stumbling out from below them, sneezing and shaking sawdust from his oversized clothes. Looking up the stairs, he yelled,

"Awwww, look at this...Ikle diddykins is getting hugged by mummy!" 'Mummy' replied victoriously, (and in somewhat of a ghetto "oh-no-you-di'n't" tone),

"Better check yourself, boy, if you want to keep eating!" At this, the boy said,

"Oh, I'll _check myself _alright, _'Petty_; and I'll take up your offer on not eating your **rat poison **too."

Petunia's mouth went agape, and as Harry pulled out his wand and stunned her, Vernon came barging through the door out of nowhere.

"Now you're going to get it, boy! No bloody use of that thing outside school..." but he was cut off mid-sentence by Harry's 'sassy' reply,

"True 'dat, 'Vern, but as you'll soon see, I don't give a bloody fuck about_ school_." With that remark, and a shot of sparks, Vernon too was stunned; and Harry grabbed his bags and Disapparated.

Of course, Draco, watching this, was utterly confused. Why was he here? Why was _Harry_ here? Why had he gained two hundred pounds and lost his 'sexy' 'do? Why was Petunia still alive? Why was _he? _Why, why, why...but the most prodding question was, why the _hell _were all these Englishmen speaking as though they were from East Cleveland? Soon though, his question was answered, when an envelope shot through the downstairs mail chute- going downstairs to retrieve it, he saw on the front vandals with golden teeth spray painting bridges, and on the back-

"To my dearest brother Vernon...we miss you here at home..."


	9. Park Bench Nightmares

_(Demented Chapter Number Nine)_

Dudley was in utter panic. He had just been kissed! Not to mention he felt several hundred pounds lighter. He shouted at Ellen,

"Nobody touches me! Nobody!" he wiped his cheek- it was smooth! Why was it not porky and pimply? It dawned on him- "I must be alive." Then in anger, he declared,

"Nobody kisses me. **Nobody! **The last time I had a kiss, it was from my girlfriend back on Privet!"

Since this chapter was heading for total OOC-ness, (much like the rest of the story, might the author 'proudly' add), she decided to insert a random six-year old girl in the middle of it. Okay.

"HAHA! HAHA! _Girlfriend? **Kiss?**_ As I recall, **hun**, it was something like _me _tying _you _to a park bench and smearing you with lipstick...HAHAHAHA!" Dudley screwed up his (skinnier) face, and, ignoring the fact that Dudley looks nothing like Draco, and therefore the girl wouldn't recognize him, and acknowledging the fact that the author enjoys typing run-on sentences... Dudley said with a shaky laugh,

"Errm...I don't know you...go away?" he finished pleadingly.

The six-year old looked upon him triumphantly and, pulling out a tube of lipstick and curl of rope smiled,

"Pucker up, _hun_!"


	10. Emotional Unstability A La Mode

_(Demented Chapter Number Ten)_

Back at Number Four Privet, Draco was sitting in Vernon's easy chair, wondering how the hell this all came upon him. Here he was, at Harry's summer home, with two unconscious adults stunned on the steps, and he weighed about three hundred pounds. Looking on the bright side, he reassured himself,

"At least I'm away from _Ellen!" _Although she didn't attend Hogwarts, this Ellen person was seemingly always lurking behind corners and practically stepping on his heels following him through corridor after corridor with a large Polaroid.

"The female Colin Creevey", he thought to himself with a sneer. Becoming easily bored, as his nature allowed, he eventually clambered up the stairs, simply shoving the couple off the stairs as he made his way up to the place where he had first received his nasty physically morphed shock.

Upon entering the dark, bland room, Draco collapsed on one of the two beds, each of which had previously held a pointlessly and randomly slain victim. The room's unexplained feeling of gloom washed over him, and he realized with an even nastier shock than before-

"This place must have more bloody magic than Hogwarts ever could." For now he was depressed, and in his slump he picked up a CD case on the nearby nightstand and read-

_"Nirvana"..._


	11. Kenny, Spenny, Bald Guys, and Sirius

_(Demented Chapter Number Eleven)_

Ellen was bored stiff. A six-year old girl had just taken her 'Draco', and there was nothing to do but watch TV. Despite the fact that Muggle inventions don't work at Hogwarts, she turned on the television anyway.

"Alright! It's _Kenny Vs. Spenny_!"

"I hate you." said Kenny, matter-of-factly.

"No, **doofus**, I hate you more." replied Spenny with boredom.

"Oh _really_?"

"Yeah."

Ellen's face lit up as she exclaimed, "Oh, they're _so_ cute!" Just as the game-show versions of Bevis and Butthead were whacking each other on the head with paddles, a news bulletin flashed across the screen.

"Attention to all who wish not to die," said the reporter monotonously. "Lock your doors and shave your heads, because Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. Erm, _again_." The reporter stood there drooling. Thirty seconds later, his eyes nearly popped out of his head and he shouted, "HE'S ESCAPED! RUN!" With that, he did. A flash of static, then-

"I _still _hate you more."


	12. Reaching Nirvana, Not Quite

_(Demented Chapter Number Twelve)_

Friends, unfortunately I must break to you the most recent news- Draco was not dead. No, not dead, but in realization.

"If only...if only..." he croaked in pain.

"If only...she could...write...something better...I could...stay...alive...I could..._love_ her, maybe." With that final romantic plea, he fell into the realms of unconsciousness yet again.

...to everyone else, hope you enjoyed this, hehehe, this last chapter, particularly, was a bit of a stab at revenge, lol...go bother HpAddictedG. **_Siriusly!_**


	13. Puddles of Drool and Razors Create Stalk...

_(Demented Chapter Number Thirteen)_

A/N: At this point, you should probably accept it- Ellen's a "character", and this story has no "plot." And a third thing...I like putting things in "quotes." Yes. Also, another Austin Powers joke is in here somewhere...good luck and good day!

Standing in an ankle-deep puddle of drool, Ellen remained glued to the spot in front of the televison. Kenny and Spenny were now whacking _themselves _in the head with frying pans, until Kenny spoke:

"This sucks. But **_I_** know what we can do!" he chugged another Bud (not "Lite"), and pulled a razor out of the sky. A look of mingled fear and surprise came over Spenny's face as he asked in caution (and, frighteningly enough, partial excitement),

"You're going to ritualistically shave my testicals?"

Kenny just stood there, horror-stricken (a word? perhaps.), and replied,

"Noooo...I was thinking more of this!" and with that, he sprayed some Gillette foam all over Spennster's head, and took the razor and **shaved**, _damnit_!

"AAAAHHHH! YOU IDIOT! Wait...it tickles! HAHAHA!" As the two stupid, one bald, men were laughing uncontrollably, a man suddenly burst onto the screen and made to grab Spenny. The author would like to rudely cut in by saying that this new man was a great deal more attractive than either of the two, both of which were drunk _Wiggles_-look-alikes.

Alas, dear Spenny was scared out of his wits, and ran, swaying due to alcohol and the akwardness of recent hair loss. He ran straight off the stage and off the screen, the man chasing after him only pausing briefly to speak to the camera,

"You're next, **Hogwarts**."


	14. Dudley and the Fifteen Minutes of Fame

_(Demented Chapter Number Fourteen)_

Dudley was as jealous a bitch as his pre-menstruational nature would allow. Not only was Ellen stealing his spotlight, he also was slowly starving- apparently, Draco was _freakin' anorexic. _After all, what kind of meal were _salads? _Dudley had successfully escaped from Chapter Nine without an _excessive_ overload of love...and now he was back to reclaim his fame.

"Just because there's no plot to this endless story _doesn't _mean I can't _live _a little, damnit!" he vented at no one in particular. "They'll see...I'll do something great...then they'll be crawling back to me, yes, the fans, they_ love _me..."

"And they'll love _me _even _more _when I KILL YOU!" came a voice from behind him. Dudley, having experienced near/pretty-certain death situations before, was not intimidated. He just turned around and asked the man,

"Got milk?" The man just stared.

"_Milk?_ What is that supposed to mean, boy? Was that a stab at some sort of derrogatory nonsense tha- " he stopped mid-sentence as he saw a gleam in the corner of his eye. Backing up cautiously, trying his best to be inconspicious of the fact he was making to grab a razor on the table directly in front of Dudley, he whistled a grand old tune as he lifted the razor in anticipation and shouted,

"Oh,** joyous day!** I've got you now, boy." Dudley, however, had caught sight of something himself- the television.

"Sirius Black has, um...escaped... from prison! _Again! _As many of you know. This stark-raving lunatic has threatened to head for Hogwarts. We doubt it's a cover scheme. Meaning, folks...he's...err...really _going _there. Watch out?" As the uncertain reporter started drooling his own puddle, the very stark-raving lunatic he spoke of held the razor high to Dudley's head. Repeating himself,

"I've _really _got you now, boy," he frantically began to shave Dudley's head, back and forth, every which way, and when he finished, shaved the eyebrows as well. Dudley just stood there, asking again,

"Got any milk? I'm thirsty!" When the man had finally finished, he pulled a purple Sharpie from his pocket and drew French-looking eyebrows on his face. Feeling accomplished at last, he put on his Robin Hood hat and swept out the window.

"WAAAAAAAIT!" he yelled, and climbed back inside. "Where the hell'd my rope go?"

Good ol' Dudley stood there with the escape rope in his hands, pulling it in and burping loudly. Just then, the madman exclaimed,

"My HORSE! Where art thou?" Looking at Dudley angrily as he spat out horse bones, he saw the boy shrug.

"You.._ate_. My..._horse_." Just then, Snape walked in the room.

"Draco! What's been all the noise- OH, DEAR SALAZAR, YOUR **HAIR**, BOY!" He turned and saw a puzzled, but alive nonetheless-

"_Sirius_."- on the floor.

"Well, well, well. Seems young Draco here is our hero of the day. Not only the day! Why, hero of our _lifetime! _Thank snakes for you, son. You've captured the most dangerous criminal in the world. I'm sure your father's _very_ proud of you. I am too, boy. Well done."

Dudley just stood there, licking the bones clean as he asked Snape,

"Got any milk?"


	15. Draco's Diet and Departure

_Demented Chapter Number Fifteen)_

"Oh, dear blessings, my son isn't eating." It was a fine evening back in Surrey, and the now-conscious Petunia was staring at Draco in mortal fear.

"It's your_ favorite_, dear, mashed liver and onions stew."

"I'm not eating, you psychotic chicken", replied Draco as he threw his napkin down on the table and made to leave.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!" Screamed Petunia at once. Her eyes widened as she ran after the waddling boy. Vernon just told her,

"It's no bloody use, let the boy go..."

"But Vern, he **needs **his strength! Where will he be without his six proper daily meals!"

"I'll tell you where I'll be," said Draco as he slung a traveler's knapsack o'er his shoulder. "Miles away and several hundred pounds lighter." With a feminine wave of his hand in his hair, he unhinged the door and threw it aside, ready to begin his journey to Hogwarts.


	16. Dudley's Dinnertime Desires

_(Demented Chapter Number Sixteen) _

It has been awhile, friends, but we pick up our story in the place we last left our beloved heroes -

Snape had disappeared without explanation, leaving the lardbucket and lunatic all to themselves. In order to break the akward silence that was now around them, Sirius muttered,

"So...you...like horse meat, do you?" Dudley just looked at his feet and shyly said,

"Yes. I do._ I really, really do." _Just then, he looked up at the middle-aged man and said,

"You know what _other kind _of meat I like?" Sirius, in utter mortification, tried,

"Errrm...turkey, is it?"

"No..."

"Pork?"

"Not even close..."

"Beef?"

"It's _not _what's for dinner." With that, Dudley lunged at the befuddled man with arms outstretched.

"I got your horse, now it's your turn!"

The cannibalistic ways of this overweight freak where enough to make the shocked man retreat.

"Screw this- I'm out." With that, he clambered down the fire escape. Not a moment later, Snape cut back in as he came through the door-

"Boy, you're a_ hero_!"

"I want meat..."


End file.
